SoylentBlocks
by TheBananaSlug
Summary: What are you eating? A Cheeseburger? Stop, it's your childhood Miltank! Read and find out the truth of the food of the PokeWorld and have your mindworld messed with! KNOW THE TRUTH! KNOW THE EVIL! DROP THAT MAGIKARP! STOP DOING "THAT" WITH GARDEVOIR! Rated M for cursing and sexual references. Crackfic. Oneshot.


**The Banana Slug: Ey, how are ya? Anyway, I always have this discussions with my anime friends I can actually tolerate, and here it is. "If Ash and his friends eat burgers, what is it made of?" He said it would be soy and tofu, but I called bullshit on his bullshit, and said they…you know what, I'll show ya!**

**Now, I will now fuck up your worldview forever!**

**(DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN POKEMON IN ANY WAY. I DO NOT PROFIT FOR THIS STORY, THIS IS ONLY FOR FUN. DO ****NOT**** SUE ME.)**

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><p><strong>SOYLENT-BLOCKS<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

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><p>In the melodious port-city of Olivine City, our heroes, Ash, Brock, and Dawn exit the café with Ash holding a cheeseburger, Dawn a hot dog, and Brock a box of nuggets. Behind them were Pikachu and Piplup, the yellow rat eating a bag of shredded meat and the blue bird a bag of seeds.<p>

"Boy, you are right, Ash, Olivine City sure is an amazing place!" Dawn said to Ash with a smile.

"Yeah, it's a good thing Jasmine sent us tickets, that Pokemon Contest sure was intense!" replied Ash.

"You did a good job, Dawn!" congratulated Brock, "And you too Piplup!"

"Piplup!" it exclaimed.

All when they were feeling good, something was going to make them regret their trip…

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><p>They heard a clapping from the distance, seeing a man in a large black coat, black gloves, and a black fedora hat, hiding his appearance, clapping loudly in front of them.<p>

"Bravo, you are perfect humans," sneered the man.

"Um, can we help you?" asked Dawn nervously.

"Can you help me?" asked the man, he then laughed and asked, "Can you help yourselves?"

They all silently and awkwardly looked at him. "Um, okay…" let out Brock.

"You all make me sick," the man hissed as he walked to them, he then spit at Ash's face.

"Hey, what's the big deal!" growled Ash.

"Yeah, what did we do to you!" yelled Dawn in anger.

"What you did to me, what did you do to Pokemon?" yelled the man.

"You are not making ANY sense, sir!" growled Brock, "Leave us alone!"

"Fine, but may I ask you something?" hissed the man.

"What?" Ash let out in frustration.

"What…are…you…eating?" hissed the man.

Ash looked at the burger and casually said, "A Cheeseburger."

"WRONG!" yelled the man, "You are eating, my good friend, YOU are EATING a known little thing called MILTANKS!"

"…What?" asked Ash.

"You are eating a Pokemon, a Pokemon called Miltank, or maybe Tauros, but did you not know they bludgeon Miltanks and Tauroses to death and then grind them up to make your precious cheesy burger!"

Ash looked at his burger and looked sick. "Oh…my…"

"Ash, don't listen to him, he's obviously crazy!" reassured Brock.

"Don't sell yourself, murderer!" shrieked the man, "Your nuggets are made from poor defenseless Torchics and Combuskens, with their heads cut off and served for that hell-on-Johto company, JFC or Johto Fried Combusken!"

"What…" let out Brock in disgust and shock.

"I mean, why do they call them 'Torchic Nuggets', hm?" hissed the man, "You should see them where they wander around...HEADLESS! Did you know farmers laugh their asses off as they watch Combuskens wobble around without their heads?"

In shock, Brock lost grip of the nuggets and let them fall on the ground. "I…I…didn't…know…"

"Stop it, you madman!" ordered Dawn.

"And your dog?" hissed the man, putting his face close to hers, giving her the creeps, "That dog is made of a mixture of Torchics, Miltanks, Tauroses, and Swinub parts that one would not eat, and also any Rattatas or Bug Pokemon that fall into the mixing bowl."

Dawn looked green, she looked at the dog and started to gag. She kept on gagging, until she fell on her knees and vomited white fluids with meaty bits and a pink swirl on the man's shoes.

"Yes, you just ate a mixture of many different Pokemon genitals," hissed the man, "With the dead carcasses of millions of Weedles."

"Stop please!" begged Ash, "This is too much!"

"I am not finished!" roared the man, pointing his finger into the sky, "I have more!"

"Oh no," replied Dawn from the ground, throw-up still on her lip.

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><p>"You are killing your precious sea Pokemon for your own lust for taste!" hissed the man, grabbing Ash's collar, "You catch Magikarps, gut them, skin them, and serve them with…TARTER SAUCE!"<p>

The group's worlds was turning upside down as this madman yelled at them wildly. "They also catch defenseless Krabbies and Kinglers in small shoddy cages, then ripping their legs off, and serving them with buttaaaaah!"

"Please stop!" begged Dawn, groaning from vomiting on the man's shoes, "We get it!"

"No! No! No, no, no, no, no, NONONONONO!" ranted the man, "No you don't! They also catch Tentacool and Tentacruel, tearing their multiple limbs off so that they may eat them! Fried and crunchy! They call it…Calamari."

"That's what Calamari was!" yelled Dawn, who then vomited on the man's shoe again.

"Yes, and once we find it, they may also make Calamari from the elusive Tentacoolio!" announced the man.

"The what?" asked Ash in confusion, he was replied with a slap and a "NEVER YOU MIND!"

The man then took a breath and shouted, "Now, don't forget your precious Wailords and Wailmer! Sinnoh continues to hunt them to extinction! They hunt them with spears, jabbing them through their oily skin and straight to the heart! They also use their stomach contents for…PERFUUUUUME!"

"My mom uses perfume!" let out Ash in fear.

"No shit, she's a whore," replied the man casually.

"Hey!" yelled Ash.

"Shut up, Wesley!" yelled the man, calling Ash a different name, "There is more to tell! Like the fact you humans hunt Pokemon for sport!"

"What, like with Pokeballs?" asked Brock, confused and hesitant.

"No, that stuff's alright," replied the hypocritical man, "I mean with guns and traps, they kill many Ursarings and Stantlers to prove how big their penises are! Shooting down Staraptors and Fearows for our own amusement! I remember when English Gentlemen would ride of Ponytas and Rapidash with Growlithes at their sides to hunt down Vulpixes and Ninetails with gun powdered guns! Hell, we beat baby Seels and Spheals just for the HELL OF IT!"

"No more!" groaned Dawn.

"But wait, there's more!" announced the man, Dawn groaning from below as the man continued, "What makes your leather gimp outfits? The tanned skin of Tauroses! What makes your mommy's precious fur coat? Ninetails! What is your purse made of? Totodiles! Your clothes? The wool of Mareep! You see this belt I am wearing! PURE ARBOK!"

"Okay, okay, we get it!" cried Ash, "We use up our cute and fluffy Pokemon for our own pleasure!"

"I'll get to that later!" hissed the man, "But we also use our Rock and Steel Pokemon for buildings, by either crunching them up in grinders, or melting them down into slab!"

"Noooo!" cried Brock, "It's not true!"

"And this whole 'fix up the environment' shtick?" interrogated the man before yelling, "YOU ARE KILLING OUR PRECIOUS KOFFINGS AND GRIMERS!"

"Please tell me that's all," whimpered Dawn.

"Nope," replied the man, "We also have sex with them."

They all looked at him in disgust and disbelief, Dawn lightly throwing up in her mouth, at least it wasn't on his shoes this time.

"It is true, in the old days, boys would sleep with Mareep when lonely as well as Ponytas! Nowadays, just go to Tijuana to go and see a Rapidash Show! And don't get me started on Gardevoirs, hell, even I am attracted to them!" Ash and Brock looked at each other with regret for finding Gardevoirs attractive as well.

"Oh, and remember what I said about the whole headless Combusken thing?" asked the man, "Well, lonely farm boys would also have sex with them. As they were headless. Sometimes in the open throat of the Combusken."

Dawn then threw up on his shoes again, she then fell on her side and passed out. "'Bout time," replied the man, smoking a pack of cigarettes.

As this was happening, the two Pokemon were just watching the whole thing, blinking innocently. They knew this was going on, they didn't care, they were Pokemon, they live this crap over and over again out in the wilderness!

"I, uh, I think we should…go now," let out Ash.

"Fine, go kill our endangered Pokemon, kill our Spindas, kill our Dewgongs, as well as our precious Arcanines!" hissed the man, then slipping in quickly, "Rapist."

Ash smiled weakly and forcefully, then grabbing Dawn with Brock, walking away from the strange man, looking glum and depressed as how the world really works.

"Hey, you want Ivory, go kill our many Donphans! They'll go out quickly, just like our Mamoswines," shouted the man, "Just don't step on our many Bug Pokemon with your fascist foot!"

When they were out of view, the man then looked both ways and quickly grabbed the cheeseburger and shoved it in his mouth.

"MINE! DELICIOUS MISERY! I LOVES IT!" hissed the man, who then removed the hat to reveal the head of the author of this story, a yellow banana slug with red eyes and haunting teeth.

"I love burgers!" hissed the Banana Slug, "Must eat! Eat! EAAAAAT!"

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><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Don't you hate it when fanfic authors put themselves in the damn story? It's such a n00by thing to do, we should call him out on it! How dare he! That is such a n00by thign to do! N00by n00by n00by n00b! Damn him! Da-<strong>

…

**Wait a minute…fuck…never mind, putting self-inserts is fun! Don't hate it, this isn't real writing anyway, just have fun with it…fuckers.**

**P.S. Had help from my best friend in writing this, DudeWithBigSword, mainly because we used to work together and decided to be nostalgic, whatever that means, I think it's a internet reviewer or sumthink.**


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